This is the final piece for year one graphic design, a chance to reflect on what I've done well, done bad, and learned in the last year.
This is gonna be a long one, I'm sorry.
To begin with I will preface all of the following reflections, considerations and self evaluation with some key information. Since mid March I have been facing a serious mental health crisis based in my overgrown anxiety. This caused me to spiral and become ashamed to reach out, which made it worse. I was barely able to go outside, too afraid to go on campus, unable to work, and struggling to function on a very basic level. I am getting assistance with this and am slowly reaching a better mental place, I am safe and well. Normally I wouldn't disclose things like this especially in a blog post about my final submission but it is kind of necessary to understand where my head is at in regards to the final piece of work.
Anyway, I started this piece two weeks late, having been trying to catch up on the collaboration work for the Cathedral Anniversary, and the previous project (the gifs) and as I was on a time crunch I began scribbling down ideas like a madman all over scraps of paper. I realised after about half an hour that every single thing I listed boiled down to confidence.
Confidence affects my ability to be on campus, it affects my anxiety, which affects my mental health and my ability to even work. It affects what mediums I pick to work in, and if I try something and I'm not immediately good at it I probably wont do it again because I loose my confidence so easily. It means I don't push myself and my ideas far enough, so most of my work ends up just a few steps away from being polished and amazing. It ruins so many experiences, it messes with my grades, my social life, my relationship with my peers, everything all boils down to having a fragile sense of confidence. Being in hospital for that stupid cat bite in November killed my confidence, injuring my back and constantly getting sick killed my confidence, my acne and body issues ruin it, my oversensitivity kills it because I get so crushed when people criticise me, especially when its correct because I feel I've let them down, I am very easily self hating and my worse critic, and I become crippled by anxiety and self doubt easily. It affects my ability to trust myself and my experiences.
So I've decided with the help of my councillor to tackle these issues head on, and I figured as the last piece of the year, given how hard my confidence has taken a knock recently, it was only fitting to make my final piece about it.
One of the things that makes me feel more confident is how I dress. I'm a bit of a goth, and when I have big scary eyeliner, massive platform boots, and a cool outfit with lots of chains and rings, I feel unstoppable. I feel scary. I feel like an alter ego of myself. I love it so much, and its one of the things I use as self care, get dressed up and act like a bad bitch main character for a day. It gives me an emotional shield to hide behind too, it protects me from feeling vulnerable and small.
For my final piece I have created a short stop motion of me dressing myself as a paper doll, and then an A1 collage using the doll.
This is gonna be a long one, I'm sorry.
To begin with I will preface all of the following reflections, considerations and self evaluation with some key information. Since mid March I have been facing a serious mental health crisis based in my overgrown anxiety. This caused me to spiral and become ashamed to reach out, which made it worse. I was barely able to go outside, too afraid to go on campus, unable to work, and struggling to function on a very basic level. I am getting assistance with this and am slowly reaching a better mental place, I am safe and well. Normally I wouldn't disclose things like this especially in a blog post about my final submission but it is kind of necessary to understand where my head is at in regards to the final piece of work.
Anyway, I started this piece two weeks late, having been trying to catch up on the collaboration work for the Cathedral Anniversary, and the previous project (the gifs) and as I was on a time crunch I began scribbling down ideas like a madman all over scraps of paper. I realised after about half an hour that every single thing I listed boiled down to confidence.
Confidence affects my ability to be on campus, it affects my anxiety, which affects my mental health and my ability to even work. It affects what mediums I pick to work in, and if I try something and I'm not immediately good at it I probably wont do it again because I loose my confidence so easily. It means I don't push myself and my ideas far enough, so most of my work ends up just a few steps away from being polished and amazing. It ruins so many experiences, it messes with my grades, my social life, my relationship with my peers, everything all boils down to having a fragile sense of confidence. Being in hospital for that stupid cat bite in November killed my confidence, injuring my back and constantly getting sick killed my confidence, my acne and body issues ruin it, my oversensitivity kills it because I get so crushed when people criticise me, especially when its correct because I feel I've let them down, I am very easily self hating and my worse critic, and I become crippled by anxiety and self doubt easily. It affects my ability to trust myself and my experiences.
So I've decided with the help of my councillor to tackle these issues head on, and I figured as the last piece of the year, given how hard my confidence has taken a knock recently, it was only fitting to make my final piece about it.
One of the things that makes me feel more confident is how I dress. I'm a bit of a goth, and when I have big scary eyeliner, massive platform boots, and a cool outfit with lots of chains and rings, I feel unstoppable. I feel scary. I feel like an alter ego of myself. I love it so much, and its one of the things I use as self care, get dressed up and act like a bad bitch main character for a day. It gives me an emotional shield to hide behind too, it protects me from feeling vulnerable and small.
For my final piece I have created a short stop motion of me dressing myself as a paper doll, and then an A1 collage using the doll.
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I took a lot of body reference photos of myself in different outfits in my yard and picked this pose of one arm outstretched and one down, i liked the relaxed arm and the lifted leg, I don't look anxious or tense in my body language. I picked a tank top, a skirt and my big stompy platform boots as my 'final' outfit, choosing the galaxy, watercolourish patterned paper because I always associate stars and galaxies with ultimate freedom, theres nothing more scary nor more freeing that embracing how big space is and how little it all matters, and it comforts me and helps build my confidence when I think about it, because nothing matters its ok to mess up, no one will remember me in 1000 years so its fine.
I made another outfit as a pencil skirt, some plain black heels and a button up over a crop top. I don't like formal skirts, and while I do wear crop tops and flannel shirts, this is not an outfit id feel comfortable in, id be anxious about everything I'm wearing, I switch out that outfit for my final one, changing my old baby pink hair from last year for my black with a purple streak that again, boosts my confidence. I liked the visual idea of dressing myself up as a doll and changing my clothing till I find something I like, because honestly thats what I do to myself in real life, i switch clothes and find styles I like till something makes me happy. It helps me feel less lost and alone to dress well, like my identity is tied to the clothes I wear, theyre my shield but also my vulnerability and my personality. |
(I do not know why some parts of this look like a video and some like a stop motion, it happened every single time I tried it, changed the photo timing, changed how fast I moved, always ended up odd. I promise it is a stop motion/timelapse style recording)
This is my A1 collage. I wanted to make the background show the transition from obsessive anxious thoughts to freeing and willing to take a chance. I went with triangles in a tile-like pattern, as it reminded me of Alice in Wonderland and the whole concept there of escaping a place within your own mind. I made the tiles 'fall' up into the air, going from somewhat ordered (but still wonky and imperfect, a reference to how my overthinking leads to unpolished janky results) to free floating in any way the wind takes them. I made some of the tiles the same card as my paper skirt, specifically the ones above me and near my outstretched hand, trying to suggest i touch these little bland painful thoughts and habits and 'pop' them like a bubble, showing a freeing, healthier feeling/habit being revealed in the open expanse of the galaxy pattern. The galaxy tiles are the only tiles that touch the sides of the foamboard, theyre the only thoughts and feelings free to escape.
A few different people mentioned to me they thought the figure would get lost in the background, but I kind of like it. The confusion and worry and then embracement of the 'void' of just letting go and chilling the hell out adds something for me.
A few different people mentioned to me they thought the figure would get lost in the background, but I kind of like it. The confusion and worry and then embracement of the 'void' of just letting go and chilling the hell out adds something for me.
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There are also six polaroids on the collage, each showing a piece of work, either university related or personal, that is part of the stage of this changing in confidence.
At the top there is the window my group made for the Cathedral exhibition, and a lino print I did when I was creatively motivated out of nowhere. In both of these, the window because we were in panic mode due to the time, the lino because I didn't prepare in advance, I switched off my brain and just worked, and both pieces ended up beautiful, and I love them. I wasn't trying to be perfect and in doing so I created something amazing. In the middle are pieces that had a really strong concept, on the left there is a collection of paintings and drawings I refuse to finish because I don't want to ruin them, and on the right a design for a poster I just never got the confidence to finish and got disheartened. Lastly at the bottom, that damn 3D box again, the piece of work that mocks me from my coffee table every day because I still haven't plucked up the courage or had the time to embrace my final idea and finish it. There is also a small scene I made in a 'Warhammer' miniatures style with a resin pond, light up crystals and tiny little ducks and mushrooms carved out of cork. In my insane perfectionist attempt to make this I accidentally broke the base and it cannot be fixed properly, it will always be slightly wrong because I went so obsessive over perfecting it that it went wrong. |
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My final piece I'm not 100% happy with, but the whole idea of the piece is reflecting on the fact that I failed to push myself as far as I could this semester, and feeling lost in my ability to communicate anymore, so in a way the slightly confusing and unsettling/”off”/unfinished feeling it gives (at least that’s the feeling I get from it) reflects how I have felt for the past two months. Wrong, unfinished, uncomfortable, confused, lost, out of place, dissociative.
I feel like I've repeated the same 3 sentences over and over today, but I think that shows truly just how deep seated of an issue this is for me. I cannot name a single piece of work, a single aspect of my life, any part of my existence this hasn't affected. And I am beyond sick of it. That's why I made it the focus of my reflection piece. I apologise for writing so much about this, I spent so long thinking about every little detail that I just needed to get it all out into words, which I struggle to make simple and concise.
I feel like I've repeated the same 3 sentences over and over today, but I think that shows truly just how deep seated of an issue this is for me. I cannot name a single piece of work, a single aspect of my life, any part of my existence this hasn't affected. And I am beyond sick of it. That's why I made it the focus of my reflection piece. I apologise for writing so much about this, I spent so long thinking about every little detail that I just needed to get it all out into words, which I struggle to make simple and concise.